Thursday, February 7, 2008

You CAN leave him-you WILL NEVER be alone


You might be like Horya: you might be looking out the window on the street and feel that pane of glass is a cage that keeps you in and suffering but that it is also, and more so, the one thing that saves you from the cruelty of the world, the same that is worse than his blows or your inadequecies. The shame attached to divorced women is that they are spoiled goods. Who would want to marry you if you got up the courage to go? And who would want someone elses' children? You cannot abandon them just because you are unhappy, and everyone knows a man loves his own blood more, that it is natural that he wants his own children, not someone elses'---and you don't want another man to treat you like you have been a whore, or unfaithful to him. You want to have just one man---you really do love the idea of that and have been faithful to it.... You just want to be a good wife, a good muslim, a good mother.
The truth is you are a good wife, a good muslim, and a good mother, because you think these things. You have a mind, and these fears prove it. You know some muslim women in your community who think this is a personal issue and that if it is a problem you and your husband should seek counselling with the Imam. I don't. And we are here to help. You CAN leave him.
You are not alone. Walahi, we have sworn to do what we can to help you, because you are our sister: you are a daughter of Khadijah, a sister of Fatima, a woman who was born to strive to be a model of Aisha. If you need money to leave and get somewhere safe, an Imam to help you divorce, the love and mercy and kindness of a new husband, we will help you. You are our sister and we love you.
Question 1: Who would want to marry you if you got up the courage to go?
Answer: The Prophet Mohammed (SAW) himself married divorced women and encouraged others to do so (this is Sunnah). Divorce wouldn't be allowed by Allah for Muslims in our religion if it ruined us forever. "Reasonable provision shall also be made for divorced women. That is incumbent on righteous men." surah 2:241 [If anyone has some hadith on this can you please post them jazakalair]
Question 2: Who would want another man's children?
Answer: "Give orphans the property which belongs to them. Do not exchange their valuables for worthless things or cheat them of their pocessions; for this would surely be a grievous sin. If you fear you cannot treat orphans with fairness, then you may marry the women who seem good to you: two, three, or four of them. But if you fear you cannot maintain equality among them, marry only one... This will make it easier to avoid injustice."
"They consult you concerning women. Say: 'Allah has instructed you about them, and so have verses proclaimed to you in the Book, concerning the orphan girls whom you deny their legal rights and refuse to marry; also regarding helpless children. He has instructed you to deal justly with orphans. Allah has knowledge of all the good you do." Surah 4:126
Question 3: You cannot abandon your children so you have no choice but to stay---
Answer: "A mother shall not be allowed to suffer on account of her child" surah 2:233
Question 4: It is okay for a husband to beat his wife
Answer: "wives... either retain them in honor or let them go in kindness. But you shall not retain them in order to harm them or to wrong them. Whoever does this wrongs his own soul." surah 2:23 There is a surah that says "Men are the maintainers of women"SURAH 4:34 and that if a woman is disobediant a man "may beat" her as a last possible action (if the threat of him leaving her is not enough then he may shame her through the beating (but only in the context that this might improve her actions and she is truly in error). The Qu'ran exhorts women to be obedient to their husbands in what is resonable: resonable is what is what compelled of us as Muslims, and what is healthy for us. But the main reason why it is against Islam for a man to brutalize his wife, is the pretext that makes us all muslims. "There is no God but God and Mohammed is His Prophet." If Mohammed (SAW) is Allah's messenger, then we must live our lives as the Prophet lived his own, and he never raised a hand to his wives. [Hadiths please, if ya'll can post them about the Prophet's (SAW) manners with his wives]

Meet Horya: If she leaves him this could be her fate


The story that inspired us to create "Daughters of Khadijah", by organicmuslimah [a work of fiction that opened a well of horror, that poured forth in turn to people willing to aid in the healing]:

When the hair of his nostrils stand, I know it's coming. It's always worse when he signals to the bedroom. He fears the neighbors would hear me scream, in there he can take full action. I don't even remember what it started over, but the ceremony always ends with it being my fault. "You are stupid" he spits when he is done beating the shit out of me.

Oh ya, hello, where are my manners? I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Horya and my husband abuses me--and I allow it. *fake grin*
I don't know why I married him. Maybe it was love or plain stupid, who knows? I don't always have the pleasure to predict when he will decide to punish me.
Once when I was washing the dishes, he kicked me so hard, in the back, for no reason other than he just can. Those types of blows are the worst, you don't see them coming.
He isn't always angry like that, as a matter of fact, he could be very romantic at times. Once during my pregnancy, he made a midnight trip to the store to buy me some milk. He felt how much I was suffering all night with heartburn. That is what I think of when he uses his belt on me. I think of all the good times we've had as a family. I am in it for the good and the bad.
Don't be fooled by what I say here. I am not a weak woman. I've threatened to leave him on an occasion or two. Of course he knows I would never dare take the kids and go. What would people think of me?
And surely no one would want to marry a divorced woman with two growing sons. I don't want to be lonely, would you?
Sometimes I wish I would die. I am hoping he will change someday. Maybe he will stop and we will be a happy family again. My sons are growing. It's getting harder to explain why mommy cries all the time. Maybe if I had an education and supporting parents I would have left him. For now, my only way out is for him to die.
It IS a work of fiction: should of seen me when I first read it---I cried and went to the brothers I knew and asked them if they would marry such a woman and take on the care of her kids. What broke my heart more though was that another poster had written: "I personally know a woman who's exactly living this way"
That should not be! Where is that man to protect her if her husband won't?
I run a fashion blog, and women consequently write me from that to tell me their stories, and it became to much for me when a woman told me a true story. Subhanallah, she's free and her children are well, but that was too much really. We have to change this. No woman must be afraid of being alone and think that is worse than living in an earthen hell.

A heart-felt message from Alixianna

To my muslim brothers and sisters out there struggling for their freedom and their right to hijab, I can tell you, the best way to struggle for this right is simply to take away those stereo-types others can use against us. If the hijab makes us suppressed in their eyes, why does it? It is because people think muslim women are abused by their husbands, and that we are worth nothing to Allah or our brothers if we are not untouched vestal-like virgins to bleed in their beds, and make their meals, clean their homes, and bear their children. This stereo-type is one we can break down if we help eachother, if we never let another human being suffer, if we take care of those who turn to us for aid, and don't let them go back to those who do not believe for aid because we have turned them away. This is my plea to you and Allah. This is my dua. That no human being ever has to say 'never again' ever again.

Everyone has written asking me what I want them to do:

1.) I want you to go to your Imam at your masjid and ask that he do something about this within your community. That you want him to go over the sunnah of Prohet Mohammed instilling upon us to care for the orphans (abandoned women and new muslims) and on the brothers, the sunnah of marrying divorced women, and that the Prophet Mohammed (SAW) never, ever struck a wife. Remind your Imam Juma is a good time! Post your pledge here on this message to give me your word you will do this yourselves with your own voices. One voice, even if it speaks in a whisper, if it is telling the truth, can be heard over gunfire.

2.) Those willing to aid muslimahs in a bad circumstance I want you to give me your world addresses (are you in the UK, and if so Kent or London), (if in Canada, are you in Ottawa or Victoria?) to xalixiannax@hotmail.com and I will start composing a list of those we can turn to all over the world in case anyone ever asks for help. Post your ideas and anything you can contribute to Daughters of Khadijah's goals that I outlined in the first post on the first post. Anything you are willing to contribute: ideas, funds, property, time, knowledge, is a form of zakat surely, in the truest sense of the word in a time of need for another.

3.) If you have friends like organicmuslimah's fictional H (any abused woman) write me their stories and I will find every hadith and ayah I can to help them find a better life. We should all post everything that we know in these spaces to encourage women to come forward. This is all I have for now. May Allah aid us, for He is the one we turn to, the only.



Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Daughters of Khadijah-First Post

Muslim women: you are the daughters of Khadijah, the sisters of Fatima. You are to be as Aisha was: when you look out onto the world, you are not alone. It is the duty and the pride of every Muslim out there, to want to help and to protect you. We don't want you to think that Allah (SWT) is the only one out there who hears your cries. This blog is a start. It gives us a foundation to build from, to pool our resources, and address a problem.

This blog is for you, any woman who finds herself needing a place to go (maybe because, like myself and many, you have come to Islam and your own family won't accept you anymore because of the hijab you have chosen so bravely to wear), or maybe because the man you are married to is not a man at all but a beast, and the worst of men. Prophet Mohamed (SAW) himself said "The best of men are those who are best to their women" so I can only surmise that men that are the worst to women are the worst of mankind.

Of the new muslims: "O Prophet! When believing women come to you to ascribe their faith and attend their loyalty that they will not associate partners with God, and will neither steal nor commit adultery nor kill their children, nor produce a lie which they have thought up themselves, and will not disobey you in what is right, then accept them to you and ask Allah to forgive them. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful." [Surah al-Mumahanah:12]
And for the believing woman who seeks refuge: "O you who believe! when believing women come to you as refugees, test them; Allah knows best their faith; then if you find them to be believing women, do not send them back to the unbelievers, neither are these (women) lawful for them, nor are those (men) lawful for them, and give them what they have spent; and no blame attaches to you in marrying them when you give them their dowries;"... "That is Allah's judgment; He judges between you, and Allah is Knowing, Wise."

My goal is to start a fund for sisters who need support in order to be safe and to flourish in Islam, and maybe have a house somewhere we can stay together under the protection of a willing Imam, and means to get there. To have this be forum from which they can get aid. A forum from which we can ask our Imams to speak to our brothers about following the true sunnah of Prophet Mohammed (SAW) and encourage brothers to marry lawfully divorced women with children in order to protect and support them, as the Prophet has done, so that there will be no reason for women to stay where they are beaten and abused.

"A mother shall not be allowed to suffer on account of her child" surah 2:233
"Reasonable provision shall also be made for divorced women. That is incumbent on righteous men." surah 2:241

"wives... either retain them in honor or let them go in kindness. But you shall not retain them in order to harm them or to wrong them. Whoever does this wrongs his own soul." surah 2:230

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: THIS IS NOT ALLOWED IN ISLAM! ANY COWARDS OUT THERE WHO WANT TO USE SURAH 4:34 (it says: "Men are the maintainers of women") AS AN EXCUSE TO BRUTALISE AND BATTER A WOMAN GIVE ME YOUR NAME AND I WILL GET YOU A MAN YOUR OWN SIZE---OR I'LL GET MYSELF A FRYING PAN AND GO AFTER YOU MYSELF! (And I've done it before for a non-muslim friend and I'd do more for a sister so watch out!) .

Muslims, you and I know Islam is a religion of peace, frying pans aside, and as muslim women we know this is one of the biggest stereo-types out there that we have to fight: suppression. We can fight it by fighting abusers out there, and protecting those who deserve it, the orphans and women.

"Give orphans the property which belongs to them. Do not exchange their valuables for worthless things or cheat them of their pocessions; for this would surely be a grievous sin. If you fear you cannot treat orphans with fairness, then you may marry the women who seem good to you: two, three, or four of them. But if you fear you cannot maintain equality among them, marry only one... This will make it easier to avoid injustice."
"They consult you concerning women. Say: 'Allah has instructed you about them, and so have verses proclaimed to you in the Book, concerning the orphan girls whom you deny their legal rights and refuse to marry; also regarding helpless children. He has instructed you to deal justly with orphans. Allah has knowledge of all the good you do." Surah 4:126


We need our Imams to help us by being Walis for these new muslim converts/reverts, and providing them with housing, food, and education, when circumstances require it (for they are our orphans today), and to help find good brothers willing to follow the Prophet's example to love and marry abandoned or lawfully divorced women with children, who will love those children as their own. This is the goal of Daughters of Khadijah---we must all speak to our Imams about this. We must all seek out these brothers. Sisters, we are here for you, and we will help any way that we can.

You can email me anytime at xalixiannax@hotmail.com and I and others will do everything in our power to keep you safe and strong in Iman, walahi, I swear it.

-Alixianna and others