Thursday, February 7, 2008

You CAN leave him-you WILL NEVER be alone

You might be like Horya: you might be looking out the window on the street and feel that pane of glass is a cage that keeps you in and suffering but that it is also, and more so, the one thing that saves you from the cruelty of the world, the same that is worse than his blows or your inadequecies. The shame attached to divorced women is that they are spoiled goods. Who would want to marry you if you got up the courage to go? And who would want someone elses' children? You cannot abandon them just because you are unhappy, and everyone knows a man loves his own blood more, that it is natural that he wants his own children, not someone elses'---and you don't want another man to treat you like you have been a whore, or unfaithful to him. You want to have just one man---you really do love the idea of that and have been faithful to it.... You just want to be a good wife, a good muslim, a good mother.
The truth is you are a good wife, a good muslim, and a good mother, because you think these things. You have a mind, and these fears prove it. You know some muslim women in your community who think this is a personal issue and that if it is a problem you and your husband should seek counselling with the Imam. I don't. And we are here to help. You CAN leave him.
You are not alone. Walahi, we have sworn to do what we can to help you, because you are our sister: you are a daughter of Khadijah, a sister of Fatima, a woman who was born to strive to be a model of Aisha. If you need money to leave and get somewhere safe, an Imam to help you divorce, the love and mercy and kindness of a new husband, we will help you. You are our sister and we love you.
Question 1: Who would want to marry you if you got up the courage to go?
Answer: The Prophet Mohammed (SAW) himself married divorced women and encouraged others to do so (this is Sunnah). Divorce wouldn't be allowed by Allah for Muslims in our religion if it ruined us forever. "Reasonable provision shall also be made for divorced women. That is incumbent on righteous men." surah 2:241 [If anyone has some hadith on this can you please post them jazakalair]
Question 2: Who would want another man's children?
Answer: "Give orphans the property which belongs to them. Do not exchange their valuables for worthless things or cheat them of their pocessions; for this would surely be a grievous sin. If you fear you cannot treat orphans with fairness, then you may marry the women who seem good to you: two, three, or four of them. But if you fear you cannot maintain equality among them, marry only one... This will make it easier to avoid injustice."
"They consult you concerning women. Say: 'Allah has instructed you about them, and so have verses proclaimed to you in the Book, concerning the orphan girls whom you deny their legal rights and refuse to marry; also regarding helpless children. He has instructed you to deal justly with orphans. Allah has knowledge of all the good you do." Surah 4:126
Question 3: You cannot abandon your children so you have no choice but to stay---
Answer: "A mother shall not be allowed to suffer on account of her child" surah 2:233
Question 4: It is okay for a husband to beat his wife
Answer: "wives... either retain them in honor or let them go in kindness. But you shall not retain them in order to harm them or to wrong them. Whoever does this wrongs his own soul." surah 2:23 There is a surah that says "Men are the maintainers of women"SURAH 4:34 and that if a woman is disobediant a man "may beat" her as a last possible action (if the threat of him leaving her is not enough then he may shame her through the beating (but only in the context that this might improve her actions and she is truly in error). The Qu'ran exhorts women to be obedient to their husbands in what is resonable: resonable is what is what compelled of us as Muslims, and what is healthy for us. But the main reason why it is against Islam for a man to brutalize his wife, is the pretext that makes us all muslims. "There is no God but God and Mohammed is His Prophet." If Mohammed (SAW) is Allah's messenger, then we must live our lives as the Prophet lived his own, and he never raised a hand to his wives. [Hadiths please, if ya'll can post them about the Prophet's (SAW) manners with his wives]


hajia said...

some home truths for men. i like them all and thanks.

Anonymous said...

You have hit the nail on the head, women FEEL the shame of mens shameful actions

Anonymous said...

dont forget our profet slw he sow more woman in hell .ask ur self and judje ur self if u 1 off them or not a muslim woman kom online and tolk rubish and show pictur off other sister in islam to kufer ones i wonderhow this djahel reacte and answear u bring shaytan and u open shaytan door to other to see sisters in islam half nicked u get the balme for every pictur off a sister u show and a sin for every kufer who see our sisters in islam half nicked u not doing any good for islam sister alixia itaqui Allah

Anonymous said...

a nother thing how dear u come online and give the right for woman to divorce there husband with out his accept Allah he mention more then ones wa bachir a sabirin and u u come online and promess rubish thing about giving money helping with everything witch i find it very hard to beliv i now egypt i live in egypt i have seen and lurn more about egypt people the last 3 years they all say thing with out doing it Allah almustaan i sow nifak, kathab,cheat,hassad all itaqui Allah and dont com betwin a man and his wife u not shaytan u dont now were is the problem off a married couple the only thing u can do is help or pray Allah make it better for them inchallah dont come here and blof that u will help with money and all its not true now dont get angry at me and tray and anderstan me insted ur brother in islam iven a big mufti can not divorce any woman from her husband only the husband deside Allah want it like that subhano wataala

Alixianna said...

Anonymous: A woman has a right to leave her husband if he is violent and abusive. The pictures I post of muslim women show them all in hijab as they would be seen by the men in the street it in. If the woman is wearing hijab a man is commanded to lower his gaze, and if he doesn't, that is his sin, not hers ---and I don't believe photographs are a sin unless you start worshipping them. It is said there will be more women in hell---but for ungratefulness. You who would condemn a woman to fists is a monster, and get over yourself. If you are a sister in need, write me and I will get you somewhere safe, insha'Allah, and other sisters and brothers will too. It is our duty to the believing woman. Prayer and no other right action isn't enough sometimes. Allah S.W.T helps those who also try to help themselves. Your words make me sick, but I am gonna hope your English is so bad you could make sense of my posts, insha'Allah.

moon said...

Assalaamo alaikum i really liked ur post all you have said here is how it is. I myself am divorced by my choice. A man who does not fulfil his obligation should be reminded of them. Should not beat wife without good reason and should be told that by wife that it is wrong. If he still does not improve his ways it is justified for the wife to leave. Allah makes provisions for all his creatures and 'does not place on them a burden more than they can bear' and 'Allah knows the secrets of all the hearts'. I stayed in my marriage praying to allah to change my husband but the husband did not make any effort despite my begging him. Painfully i decided to leave him. Alhamdolillah today i'm much more releved that it's over. Inshallah Allah will bless me with a better husband in future. This is my prayer.

Jubebox said...

Assalammualaikum. i'm frm malaysia. i stumble upon your blog and i like it .wOuld you like tO be my friend? mail Me @ Salam.

Yoli said...

I only thought you blogged about fashion. Now I realize that you are so much more. I am really impressed with your humanity and dignity. Be strong always, you are not a lesser human being for being born female. On the contrary, you are the giver of life.

There is a good saying: If you settle for what they give you, you deserve what you get.

Madiha M.K said...

I've heard Yusuf Estes explain that hadith about beating women. He said when the verse said "you may beat"- that it meant to lightly hit with a miswak (or something the weight of it like a pen) in order to grab attention but not harm. Would you please mention that as well? :)

Anonymous said...

Time for men to learn the truth. By the way would be great to know how to get an invitation for ur blog beautiful muslimah and the bride wears the hijab plz

Edward Ott said...

fantastic article. a must read for everyone.

American Muslima Writer said...

New Posts! I vie for new posts here! :)

Francesca Najea Lujan said...

A very meaningful post. Hopefully, you will greatly help a sister in need. May Allah reward you.

ipv6 said...

Not all men is evil, so moderate your hate toward those who's deserved it themost. Dont generalize...

American Muslima Writer said...

Assalamu Alikum dear Sister in Islam!
You’ve been added to ALL MUSLIMAH database of Muslimah Sister’s blogs!
Please come and choose what category you’d like your blog name to appear under.
If the category isn’t there, suggest one!
If you’ve been placed in the wrong category by mistake please let me know immediately  Be sure to add the “I support ALL MUSLIMAH blogs” icon to your blog so others can find you. Thank you for having a blog!

Hijabis On Ranting Tour. said...

wow sister
may allah reward u immensly
this is a very important and ignored issue
especially in the muslim community
its good to know sisters like u
are letting muslim women knw
and it is not THEY who will be judged
btw sis plz allow me 2 see
ur bride blog
salaam :)

Anonymous said...

Salam Walakum, Alhumdulilah i have been muslim for just over a year and half. I was 17 when i became muslim, and told my parents obviously they where not happy. But the mistake i made was marrying shortly after a man a barley new, without them noing. Now im forced to stay in a room, i have bruises on my wrists and tears on my face. And even now there are people on this site saying i ahve no ryt to divorce him. What power do i have; none! Do i risk ruining family ties i tell them whats happeneing to me. I do feel alone i cant go to just anyone. maybe there is some one on this site with compassion to give some true advice for me Inshallah.

Pixie said...

Anonymous: I am soooooooo sorry it has taken me so long to write you back. Your husband has no right to you if he treats you in that manner and I believe you can tell your parents without leaving your religion though they might find it even harder to understand but they will hate your husband more than your religion. If you send me an email at I can find you a home and a job, legal advice from a good Sheikh, and get funds together to get out of there! Love you for the sake of Allah.S.W.T and we will help you sweetie!

CheekyChopz said...

Referring to the Sister that is having problems and said that people telling her that She is not allowed to divorce her brutal husband. Pls Guys give advice and reasons and make sure u are knowledgeable enough to tell something like SHE CAN'T! sister u can for sure alhamdulillah divorce ur husband given the way he is treating u, Islam is the only religion that gives the right to women to divorce the husband, so pls do not torture ur soul and body by staying with such an animal. Hope everything will be fine insha allah, may Allah help u.

yusuf issack said...

salaam aleykum sisiter pixie... i have read ur blog its 50/ side ur empowering islam women, the other side u blaming the religion of islam and telling women to get out of thier marriage and divorce thier husbands...{ a muslim women is allowed to divorce her husband if he is not giving the women her rights} one day a woman approached prophet muhamed {pbuh} and she said oh prophet i would like to leave ma husband,he is a good muslim, but if i stay with him longer he will take me out of islam, the prophet called the husband and asked the women if she is willing to give back her nikkah{dowry} and she agreed..... but look at the hikma{wisdom} of the women she never complainned about her husband to the prophet bu she made her point in a good manner..... DEAR sisters in islam i would sincerely urge u to keep ur affairs between u and ur husband.ALLAH mentions in the quran that whatever happens in the house should remain between u and ur husband...... it will be nice and ALLAH will reward you if u solved ur issues and kept the marriage .... but if its not possible ALLAH has given you permission to leave so dont hesitate and blame islam but go out and find answers from the ulamaa{scholars} and get ur problems resolved... we are all muslims lets unite and help each other in the way of ALLAH.... this world is just a passing and one day you would die, what would you say infront of ALLAH{swt}.... dear pixie ur doing good job but instead of attacking muslim men and mamking the look bad infront of the non-muslims its your duty as muslim to remind them of ALLAH{swt} and teach them the dos and donts of islam... may allah guide us all to the right path, forgive us our sin,provied for us in this world and hereafter..... waaleykumsalaam

Pixie said...

Yusaf Isak: wa alaykom e salaam ramatullah wa barakto brother

LOL, I love good Muslim men--the bad ones aren't practicing Islam though--they are usually just practicing their culture and taking and choosing what they want of Islam. I have written a tonne of posts on my other blogs about good Muslim men, and this story doesn't detail my marriage or any other sisters' I know (it was a work of fiction by Organic Muslima). There just seems to be a misconception some Muslimahs hold culturally that they can't divorce if they are harmed or not happy in their marriages. This is simply not a fact within the sunnah.

Tuttie said...

I can't read any further. I agree with your points but they are all ignored by the Muslims now a days. I wanted to read the previous post but honestly after the first paragraph I couldn't.

I think you should include a warning at the beginning of your post to let people know that it is graphic or if it will include graphic images. As a survivor of rape as a child and countless beatings at the hands of my mother as well as going homeless with my mom and baby brothers, your post really struck a cord in me and not in a good way.

There was a time not too long ago where a post like this would have sent me in to a minor panic attack that would trigger flashbacks and that would result in a full blown panic attack which would make the flashbacks even more horrible. It was a vicious cycle. So please add a warning sign.

Tuttie said...

As salaamu aalaykum,

sorry I forgot to say salaams. Also my previous post was about this blog in general but I just happened to post it here because I was rambling in my previous post.

Anonymous said...

i know someone like that
can we chip in for her?
see gabby hijabi?
can we chip in for her?
and for lisa?

Anonymous said...

I found this post very inspiring. Thank you.